There are thousands of 'celebrities' in Britain. By which I mean there are a lot of famous people. Many of whom have absolutely no right to be. Whole shoals of Z-list wannabes, scrabbling for their 15 minutes of recognition on increasingly degrading reality-TV shows, desperate for fame of any kind.
So it's time to sort the chaff from the wheat, and resolve once and for all who really counts in the world of celebrity in this country.
Who really matters? Piers Morgan gives his the first definitive list of top 100 celebrities in Britain today
1) They had to be British, so no Irish stars like Bono or Colin Farrell qualified.
2) They had to either have a genuine talent (Wayne Rooney) or be so successful at being talentless (Katie Price) that their exclusion was impossible.
3) They had to excite me. A lot of stars haven't made it because they're just too irritating (Robbie Coltrane), too vile (Christian Bale) or too old hat (Queen).
4) They had to be either hugely 'current' (Cheryl Cole) or just so huge (Sir Anthony Hopkins) that their mere existence is enough.
5) Non-political unless they've crossed over into genuine celebrity status (Boris Johnson).
6) Non-royal unless they frequent the nightclub party scene with celebrities, and thus appear regularly in gossip columns (Prince Harry).
The list will hopefully spark a furore of epic proportions among those who made it (many of whom are personal friends, and will be either delighted to be so high, like Amanda Holden, or furious to be so low, like George Michael) and those who didn't (poor Liz Hurley's never going to stop blubbing...).
And the really good news is that I'll be updating the list each year, indicating those who are on the up, those who are on the wane and those who are out altogether.
This, then, is the first definitive list of which celebrities really matter in Britain today.
JJ
100 HEATHER MILLS
I know what you're thinking: what the hell's this mad, greedy, deluded old bint doing on this list, particularly after all the fertiliser I've dumped on her shameless head since she took Sir Paul McCartney to the cleaners?Well, the answer is, every generation needs a celebrity everyone can loathe. And Ms Mills, despite all her desperate efforts to persuade us what a misunderstood little charity-working angel she is, perfectly crystallises the problem with modern 'stars'.
She genuinely couldn't understand why McCartney, the brilliantly talented writer of Yesterday and Hey Jude, got more attention than her, the brilliantly talentless Heather Mills, writer of nothing but bleating letters of complaint to newspapers and divorce lawyers.
Strong women: Controversial Heather Mills and Delia Smith (right)
Yes, dear, I am. So's everyone else, which is why we found your antics so sickening. Yet I now find Heather's mere existence a source of endless amusement. Who else could bang on about having privacy and her disability struggle all the time, then enter Dancing On Ice? Miraculous!
Age 42 Born Aldershot, Hampshire
Education Usworth Comprehensive
Homes Hove and Peasmarsh, East Sussex; New York; London.
99 VINNIE JONES
I couldn't leave him out. When a guy goes from hod-carrier to football hero to movie star, then you just have to doff your hat at him. Vinnie's always been the same - a rough, tough, hilarious, enthusiastic trier. And it's worked for him big time. If only all celebrities played the game as well as he does.Age 45 Born Watford
Education Chester City Grammar School; Chester College; Liverpool Polytechnic
Homes LA; Radlett, Hertfordshire
Enthusiastic trier: Footballer turned actor Vinnie Jones
98 DELIA SMITH
Became twice as interesting as a celebrity after that hilarious 'let's be 'aving you' half-time rant at Norwich fans in 2005. Until then, Delia seemed like everyone's favourite mum, cooking lovely meals, selling very nice books and being really sweet on telly. But post-LBAY, she morphed instantly into everyone's favourite naughty auntie, the one who grabs the karaoke mic at Christmas and starts belting out Sweet Child O'Mine at the top of her voice after too many sherries.Whether Delia is happy about all this remains a mystery, though I suspect not. But there's no doubt it made her more interesting. And in terms of whether she 'matters', look no further than her book sales, which continue to be astronomical. If Delia says 'buy sprouts', then the country buys sprouts. If Delia says 'use eggs', chickens expire from exhaustion from John O'Groats to Land's End. She is the High Empress Of Middle England Cuisine.
Age 68 Born Woking, Surrey Education Bexleyheath School Home Stowmarket, Suffolk
97 JK ROWLING
She's sold over 400 million copies of her Harry Potter books, and also the movie rights for some of the biggest-grossing films in history, creating a global brand that's worth an estimated £7 billion, making her over £500 million personally; she's won squillions of awards; and she was even named the 48th most powerful celebrity in the world by Forbes magazine. So Ms Rowling definitely matters.
She
would hate to be called a celebrity, and guards her private life
intensely, so she doesn't play any part of the celebrity game. And
that's why I've marked her quite far down my list. But by encouraging
children to read, feel inspired and be creative, she has had a greater
impact on the world than most of the other names on it.
Age 44 Born Yate, Gloucestershire Education Wyedean; Exeter University Homes Edinburgh; Perth and Kinross; London
Inspirational: Harry Potter writer JK Rowling and Sir David Attenborough
96 SIR DAVID ATTENBOROUGH
One of my favourite memories of any celebrity is meeting this great man backstage in the green room for Parkinson, when we were both guests on the same show. We chatted for a while, and he was polite and courteous. Then I casually asked him what moment in his career he would most like to relive if he got the chance.And suddenly his eyes lit up, his body tensed with excitement and a huge flashing smile enveloped his face. 'Oh, the bird of paradise,' he replied, sighing with pleasure as he relived the seconds when he finally got to see that majestic creature open its full, dazzling wingspan.
'It was the most wonderful thing I've ever seen.' And in that moment, I saw a glimpse of the incredible passion that Sir David has for his work. And that passion has translated into a succession of sensational TV series that have taught a whole generation more about the planet and the life forms that occupy it than any textbook could ever come close to doing.
He's also a quite superb technician at the craft of making films. They're always beautifully shot, and done with such mind-boggling patience, enthusiasm and heartfelt love and fascination for the subject matter. Attenborough doesn't just matter; he's more important than that.
Age 83 Born London Education Wyggeston; Cambridge University Home Richmond
95 SIENNA MILLER
In desperate need of a hit: Actress Sienna Miller
Because she can act, looks the part, and now that she's back with Jude Law, she has the perfect celebrity partner to land all the magazine covers once again.
But if she doesn't do the numbers at the box office, then she'll quickly end up being a celebrity for the sake of being a celebrity, and that way rack and ruin lie.
Was due to play Maid Marian in Ridley Scott's new blockbuster Robin Hood, starring Russell Crowe, but dropped out just before filming started. Not a propitious career move.
Age 28 Born New York
Education Heathfield (private); Lee Strasberg Theatre & Film Institute Home London
94 HOLLY WILLOUGHBY
Few things have made quite such an impact as Ms Willoughby's breasts in the past two years. They are the biggest TV stars to emerge on the scene since Erica Rowe invaded the pitch at Twickenham and showed the nation what a real 'up and under' was all about.But, unusually, they're also attached to a smart cookie whose cheery demeanour on This Morning belies a feisty, independent mind, and an ambition that knows no bounds either on or off screen.
If one of the criteria for this list is 'fulfilment of promise', that's what we're seeing in the gentle but steady flowering of a TV presenter with real longevity ahead of her. She's warm, empathetic, no fool and engaging. A winning formula.
Age 29 Born Brighton
Education Burgess Hill; Collyer's Sixth Form College Home London
Making an impact: This Morning host Holly Willoughby
93 ADRIAN CHILES
In this increasingly looks-obsessed world, isn't it somehow comforting that a man like Chiles can rise to the top of the TV game resembling a curmudgeonly, slightly gnarled old lizard? He doesn't give a damn about Botox, high fashion, detox diets or carrot juice. Chiles just likes drinking beer, eating curries, talking football and pulling faces when asked to interview irritating famous-for-being-famous nonentities.He's the thinking man's Jeremy Clarkson, and one of my favourite TV presenters. Because what you see with him is what you really get. We met by chance in a west London pub on Christmas Eve, and shared a few pints while discussing the vagaries of life and the universe. He had me in stitches, but he also showed a surprisingly sensitive, endearingly insecure side that he hides well from the public. Chiles is fast becoming a national treasure, and must be protected at all costs.
Age 42 Born Hagley, Worcestershire Education Haybridge High School; Westfield College; University of London Home London
92 ANNE ROBINSON
There are women all over the TV now, but Annie was one of the first, and trailblazed the route to the top for all who followed in her wake. We've been friends for two decades, and she's just how you'd imagine her to be - tough, fiery, combative, sharp and funny.Time with her is always entertaining, and she has given me some great advice over the years on how to play the TV game, particularly in America, where she was queen bee for a few years with The Weakest Link. It was Annie who spent years claiming she earned £2 million a year from TV, when she earned nothing like that. The purpose?
'To make everyone think I was worth it, until eventually they paid me it,' she told me with a big grin. The lonely battles she fought first in the newspaper business, then television, have made a lot of other women much richer than they would have been, and allowed them to rise up the promotional ladder faster and higher.
Age 65 Born Crosby, Merseyside
Education Farnborough Hill (private) Homes London; Ampney St Mary, Gloucestershire; New York
Giving the young stars a run for their money: Presenters Adrian Chiles and Anne Robinson
91 PHILLIP SCHOFIELD
I once asked an experienced TV-studio floor manager who the best live presenter in the business was, and without any hesitation he replied, 'Schofield'. Calm, immaculate and utterly professional, the guy has become ITV's 'go to' star to host awards, quizzes, morning shows and just about anything else they can think of.He is one of the very few presenters on an exclusive contract, and take it from me, he gets paid the big bucks. But I think he deserves them. Schofield is scandal-free, charming, warm and reliable. And that, in TV terms, makes him an extremely valuable commodity. I've known him 25 years, even writing an unofficial biography (that he hated me doing!) of him back in the early Nineties.
Age 47 Born Oldham Education Newquay Tetherras Homes London; Henley-on-Thames
Leading the way for black models: Naomi Campbell
90 NAOMI CAMPBELL
Yes, she can be a diffcult, often impossible, little madam. But consider where Naomi came from: the journey from Streatham to global superstardom as a black model is not a well-trodden path. In fact, she was the first, and remains the only one who's ever done it.Naomi led the way for black girls on the catwalk, and has fought like a lioness for 20 years against the institutional racism that pervades the fashion world to this day.
She's had her problems with anger management, drugs and timekeeping, to put it mildly. But she's never been less than entertaining, she still looks incredible and every time I see her she slaps me round the shoulders and smothers me with kisses, and that does wonders for my street cred.
Britain would be a duller place without Ms Campbell to spice things up a bit. And every young black model starting out on their career right now will have cause to be thankful to her for making that path an easier, more accepted one.
Age 39 Born London Education Dunraven School; Italia Conti Academy Homes London; New York
89 ROD STEWART
One of the best nights of my life was at the Brit Awards in 1993, when Rod Stewart got a lifetime-achievement gong, and let me join his table to celebrate in style.He and Ronnie Wood were hysterical that night, drinking themselves under the table - literally, in Ronnie's case - singing very loudly and telling increasingly outrageous stories. I ended up falling flat on my face in a ditch outside, but what a night!
The next morning, I found a piece of tablecloth that Rod had torn off, with a long message composed of utter gibberish. If all rock stars were like Rod Stewart, the music world would be so much less pretentious.
He's exactly what you'd imagine him to be: a fun-loving, blonde-adoring, soccer-mad bloke with a unique, rascally voice, who likes nothing better than splashing his cash - he's sold over 140 million albums, so there's a LOT of it - on cars, mansions and holidays. And why the hell not? He probably doesn't 'matter' as much as he used to, as his new material doesn't exactly set the world alight. But as a bona fide British rock legend, few can touch him.
Education William Grimshaw Secondary Homes Epping, Essex; London; LA
Man power: (from left to right) Phillip Schofield, Rod Stewart and Kenneth Branagh
88 KENNETH BRANAGH
The last time I saw Branagh, he was emerging from a workout with the same 6ft 7in Austrian torturer I use in LA. Once he'd got his breath back, we exchanged banter about the importance of a good physical state if you work in American TV or films. 'It's such bloody hard work out here,' he moaned, accurately.'And the only way to cope with the long hours is to put yourself through this hell three times a week!' Yet he does it, because he wants to stay right where he is - as one of Britain's most successful entertainment exports.
He's not as big a celebrity as when he was married to Emma Thompson and acting's golden couple dominated the tabloids. But he won't be shedding tears about that. What he remains is an outstanding talent who on his day can blow the socks off any other living British actor.
Age 49 Born Belfast
Education Meadway; Rada Homes London; Sunninghill, Berkshire
87 KATE BECKINSALE
She was voted Esquire magazine's 'Sexiest Woman Alive' last year, and her movies have grossed a total of over £500 million in America alone, making her one of the most bankable female box-office draws in the world. But her star is slightly on the wane now, and as she approaches her 40th birthday in three years' time, Kate has got some serious thinking to do about where next to take her career.
Age 36 Born London
Education Godolphin & Latymer (private) Homes London; LA
Making waves: Actress Kate Beckinsale and Doctor Who star David Tennant
86 DAVID TENNANT
I've never met him, I know absolutely nothing about him, and I doubt these two facts will ever change. But if you're a hit as Doctor Who in this country, then you matter. Rather more irritatingly, from a personal point of view, Tennant was on TV even more than me at Christmas. Which is the main reason he's down so low on my list.
Age 38 Born Bathgate, West Lothian
Education Paisley Grammar School; Royal Scottish Academy of Music and Drama Homes London; Cardiff
85 ANDY MURRAY
At the moment he only matters for the two weeks of the year when Wimbledon is on. Or rather the one week, four days that the great British hopes usually last. But I've got a sneaking feeling that 2010 could change all that, because Murray is improving and maturing at such a rate that I reckon a Grand Slam title is within his grasp.And where better to win one than at SW19? If he does, then Murray will instantly become the most significant sportsman in Britain, and will thus move many leagues up this table. But for now, he's languishing in the 'good, but not quite great yet' area.
Age 22 Born Glasgow
Education Dunblane High; Sanchez-Casal Academy Homes Oxshott, Surrey; Dunblane
Significant sportsman: Tennis star Andy Murray
84 GEORGE MICHAEL
I can't work out if George matters any more. My head says no, but my heart has insisted he be given a place on the list. Maybe it's sentimental, because I used to dance to Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go as a journalism student, pulling the unsuspecting, unfortunate birds of Harlow, Essex, in my white socks and black shoes.Or maybe it's because we got drunk together at a dinner party a few years back and he told me the most outrageous showbiz stories I've ever heard (including the hilarious allegation that Rod Stewart once served Dairylea triangles to guests at a dinner party in LA, pretending it was rare imported French cheese), or maybe it's because he keeps popping up in the most unlikely places: verbally assaulting George Bush, being caught cruising on Hampstead Heath, rolling back the years on The X Factor, or giving a new shocking interview. Whatever the reason, I find George an enduringly appealing celebrity. He knows the game, plays it hard and he can still surprise and entertain.
Age 46 Born London Education Bushey Meads
Homes London; Goring, Oxfordshire; St Tropez
83 FREDDIE FLINTOFF
It's almost impossible for a cricketer to become a mainstream celebrity, because most women hate the sport, and they are predominantly the creatures who drive the whole fame-game circus with their avid purchasing of the plethora of Heat/OK!/Hello-type magazines. But very occasionally, a player will make that dramatic leap from back page to front page.Ian Botham was one, Shane Warne another. And Freddie is arguably the biggest cricket celebrity of them all. He's a good mate of mine, so I'll admit I'm biased. But I genuinely believe that he's one of the greatest sportsmen this country has ever produced.
It's not just the exhilarating way that he bats, bowls and fields, or even the occasional pedalo-related drunken mishaps. Rather, it's the honesty, sportsmanship and integrity that he brings to everything he does. Freddie is a larger-than-life man with a zest for living, a love of his family, a loyalty to friends and a pride in his country that makes him a special character.
Age 32 Born Preston
Education Ribbleton Hall High School Home Knutsford, Cheshire; Barbados; Tenerife; London; Dubai
Swinging successes: Musician George Michael and cricketer Andrew Flintoff
82 PAUL O'GRADY
One of my favourite people in TV. Which admittedly isn't saying much, because a lot of them are utterly ghastly (and yes, don't worry, I know the feeling's mutual). O'Grady is a mischief-making, opinionated, effortlessly natural performer who is exactly the same off screen as on it. Only slightly more gossipy off, if that seems possible.He's one of those rare entertainers who everyone likes, and who has a real tangible link to his audiences. I haven't met anyone who doesn't warm to the man, and that's because he always tries to see the best in people. But cross him, as various TV executives have discovered over the years, and he'll turn into Ronnie Kray in the flash of an eye. He's moving back to ITV this year, and I think he'll be a big hit again for them. It's his kind of audience, a mutual appreciation society.
Age 54 Born Birkenhead, Merseyside
Education St Hugh's RC Secondary Modern Homes London; Aldington, Kent
81 JUDE LAW
I used to think that Jude was just another humourless, preening, smug, annoying thespian who wanted to slobber on his publicity cake when it suited him, but wasn't quite so keen when it came to reporting his nocturnal activities with nannies.But then we shared an afternoon at the cricket together at Lord's and I found he wasn't any more smug or annoying than me. And anyway, you can't be all bad if you like cricket. We had a few laughs and a few drinks, and I surprised myself by liking the guy. He could take a bit of banter against himself, which is most unusual in his devastatingly serious chosen profession.
Age 37 Born London
Education Alleyn's (private) Home London
Born performers: Paul O'Grady and Jude Law (right)
80 EDDIE IZZARD
Cross-dressing comics aren't really my cup of Earl Grey, to be perfectly honest. But last year, Izzard did something quite extraordinary when he ran those 43 marathons in 51 days for charity. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that it was the most extraordinary, maddest, most inspiring thing I think I've ever seen any celebrity do. And it made me realise that underneath all the comedic bluster, Izzard is a pretty unique, special kind of guy, with the guts, fortitude, determination and sheer bloody-minded grit that made this country great in the first place.Age 48 Born Aden, Yemen
Education Eastbourne College (private); Sheffield University Homes London LA
79 MICHAEL SHEEN
He should be a lot higher on this list, frankly, because Sheen is probably our most successfully versatile thespian at the moment. But he's not that 'sexy', so he doesn't command the kind of tabloid attention that propels actors from stars to superstars - something that I suspect he's quite happy about. He's got one of those Rory Bremner-like faces that can adapt to almost any character, from Tony Blair to David Frost. And he's a fine, fine actor. So he matters, but not nearly as much as he would if he got caught on a sex tape with Paris Hilton. A tragic, but accurate, state of affairs.Age 40 Born Newport, Wales
Education Glan Afan; Rada Homes London; LA
Brilliant: Comedian Eddie Izzard and actor Michael Sheen (right)
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